Slacker

Well I have been quite the slacker lately. The first post of the new year and it is mid February, oops! So much has happened since I last updates. Nick turned nine and I am done freaking out about that but Josh turned five and that still freaks me out. When he was born we decided him turning five was the deciding factor on if we were going to have any more children. If Logan hadn't have come along we would be done right now.

That freaks me out but not as much as the thought of having another baby with Larry does. I am not sure our marriage is strong enough to have another baby. I feel like the walls are crumbling around us but we can't save them. I am not sure we are even trying. It is very depressing to realize that we are growing apart. I think I am growing in a direction and he is growing in another. It breaks my heart to think about us fighting but we have been doing that a lot lately. Mostly me fighting with him while he just stares at me. Has he given up already? Sometimes it feels like that. I don't think he is filling to fight to keep me and I am not sure how much fighting I am willing to do. You know when we first got together I couldn't fathom that there would ever be an end and I feel like I live most days wondering if this is the day our world comes crashing down. Part of me thinks that if he said he wanted a divorce I could at least stop having expectations but the larger part of me knows that if that day came it would be devastating. How can I love someone so much when he makes me so angry to? I guess as long as it is better with him than with out him we still have a shot.