Never Again?

I can't seem to wrap my brain around Logan being the last child. For most of the day, I'm fine with it. It makes sense financially, it is a lot of work, we don't have any more room in the house, etc... I get it, I don't like it! Logan turned one and I realized that this last year was it, no more tiny infant, no more breast feeding, no more baby, he is moving into toddlerhood and that is all I have left. Sometimes all I can think about is having another child and being pregnant agian. I know it is not the right time and I know that I need to concentrate on the family I have, but everday in the back of my head I am aware of how much time is passing and I am not having any more babies. I will never be pregnant again. I really feel a sense of loss of how I define myself. I am not ready to move pass this stage. I am sad.

Schools In and Out

I started school yesterday in the loosest of meanings. I logged on to the online course and introduced myself but it's a start. Larry also started yesterday and he seemed excited. The kids seem excited for Larry as well. I know we have talked to them before about what he is going to school for but last night they seemed mesmerized that he was going to be melting metal together. My school isn't as cool since I'm reading and not using hot, molten, steel to join scraps of metal together.

Today is Nicks last day of school and I am so happy. This year seems to be the longest and the shortest year ever. When I look back on the rainy, snowy days of dragging the kids in and out of the house to and from school ugh it seems like we did that forever. On the other hand, Logan's first year has flown by. I can't believe he is going to be 1 next month. HE is walking along furniture now and shaking his head no. He doesn't want to stand on his own or walk with you and he hates his shoes.

The Park

Don't you wish you could bottle this kind of happiness and open it again on a rainy day?

Here We Go Again

We must be out of our minds to have another kid go for surgery. Josh had his tonsils removed this morning. It is amazing the difference between Andrew and Josh with the same surgery. Andrew woke up sad (like his mommy) and cried. He seemed confused and sick to his stomach. Josh on the other hand woke up PISSED!!! He was very adamant about wanting his Popsicle, mom, and his dad!!! When we got to the room the nurse was struggling to hold him down so he didn't yank the IV out of his arm. I tried to calm him down and explain that the IV was to help give him medicine which he replied (via screaming), "I DON'T WANT MEDICINE, I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!!!!" They gave him some more Morphine to calm him back down and he fell back asleep in my arms. Once he woke up again he was like night and day; sweet, loving, and quiet.

While we were waiting for Josh to be able to go home, grandma called to tell us that Nick is complaining of a severe sore throat. We get back home with Nick and Josh and I went to pick up Andrew at school, he says he feels bad and he looked pale. Great, just what we need, Strep Throat, Throw up, and Josh recovering from surgery. It should be a fun weekend.

Am I Done?

I am really struggling with coming to terms with not having anymore babies. Larry is very sure he is done.

Honestly every logical part of my brain is telling me that I am done. I am set to start culinary school on May 28th, I have dreams of opening my own bakery and having another baby could delay that for a while, Larry is wanting to change career fields and having another baby would make him stay put for longer for insurance and stability, we only have a 2 bedroom house and the boys already share 1 room.

But the illogical part, the part that is very hormonal, is crying over the thought of never having another baby. It is not even at the never really. I want to be pregnant again now! I know that life will do as it wants and who knows in a few years everyone might change their mind or circumstances can change, I know all that and yet I find that I am focusing on being pg. I would get pregnant today if DH said okay but in the back of my head my brain is telling me to go to school, I have been wanting to go for years.

The other night while watch Idol Gives Back I was really upset and mad at myself for being so selfish in wanting another baby when so many mothers around the world are losing their babies and struggling to take care of them. But it doesn't change the almost primal urge I have to have another baby.

Should have

Today I should have started school at the Art Institute but instead I am attending Ivy Tech at the end of May. It sounded so easy before, I just find the school I want to attend and apply for financial aid...bam I would go back to school. It doesn't work that way or so I have learned. The Art Institute is going to cost me too much so instead I have opted to go to the community college. I was nervous that it was going to be substandard but after taking the tour I am really excited to attend. They have a very up-to-date kitchens, certifications, small classrooms, blah blah blah... May can't come fast enough for me now!


Logan is getting so big. He learned to clap last week and now claps for everything.
"Yeah I threw my sippy cup"
"Yeah, I knocked over the mail"
"Yeah, I said DaDa"
He is pretty cute. We are working on blowing kisses and "So Big" but mostly he just claps...
"Yeah, Mommy can say So Big"

Scince Fair

Last night Nick won 1st place in the Science Fair 2ND grade-experiment division and is going to move on to the Regional Science Fair in March. We are so proud of him. Larry was not really digging the whole Fair idea and didn't really seem to interested in the process. He was a great help to Nick and I know Nick really enjoyed working with him on this project, but I think if Nick could have opted out of being in the Science Fair, Larry would have let him. But after walking around the Fair last night and looking at some of the other projects there Larry started coming up with some new ideas for next year. He definitely likes a challenge. So hopefully Nick and Larry will continue to enjoy doing these projects together. I am so surprised that his first time entering he did so well.