Slacker

Well I have been quite the slacker lately. The first post of the new year and it is mid February, oops! So much has happened since I last updates. Nick turned nine and I am done freaking out about that but Josh turned five and that still freaks me out. When he was born we decided him turning five was the deciding factor on if we were going to have any more children. If Logan hadn't have come along we would be done right now.

That freaks me out but not as much as the thought of having another baby with Larry does. I am not sure our marriage is strong enough to have another baby. I feel like the walls are crumbling around us but we can't save them. I am not sure we are even trying. It is very depressing to realize that we are growing apart. I think I am growing in a direction and he is growing in another. It breaks my heart to think about us fighting but we have been doing that a lot lately. Mostly me fighting with him while he just stares at me. Has he given up already? Sometimes it feels like that. I don't think he is filling to fight to keep me and I am not sure how much fighting I am willing to do. You know when we first got together I couldn't fathom that there would ever be an end and I feel like I live most days wondering if this is the day our world comes crashing down. Part of me thinks that if he said he wanted a divorce I could at least stop having expectations but the larger part of me knows that if that day came it would be devastating. How can I love someone so much when he makes me so angry to? I guess as long as it is better with him than with out him we still have a shot.

Starting Again

Okay for almost 4 weeks I slacked off big time. I was ill and then the kids were off for 2 weeks and then I had a cold that made me cough anytime i breathed hard so I damn near had zero exercise for a month and it showed. I felt horrible again and very unsexy. I was sluggish and unmotivated. This week I started over. I feel great! I completed almost 3 hours of cardio this week and I did crunches the other 2 days. It is really hard to stay motivated.

H-A-double L-O-W-double E-N That's spells Halloween!

Another Halloween has come and gone and once again we are awesome!




We found a pretty cool transformer costume online and Andrew claimed it right away. I couldn't understand how to make it happen but Larry was able to just look at the picture ands assemble it in his head. It wasn't until I was helping him put the fabric cover on that I finally understood how it was supposed to work.



Nicholas came up with his costume on his own and I think it is pretty clever. If we had planned it better we could have done more but overall it was a good idea.



Josh was easy. A black sweat suit and contact paper bones, ta da, a skeleton!



Logan had to be piglet. No doubt about it, all of his brothers were piglet at the same age and it such a cute costume. When Nick wore it he was often mistaken for a girl and we corrected everyone who said something, well 3 kids later when people commented on how Logan was, "such a pretty little girl," we just smiled and said thanks. My how times have changed.

Where has the time gone?

Yesterday was Andrew's 6Th birthday, I can't believe he is 6 already.






It doesn't seem that long ago that Nick was 6.

I have felt a little confused about Andrew's birthday. On one hand I am so proud of him and how much he has grown. I sent him to school a baby and he is becoming a little boy right before my eyes. On the other hand, I sent him to school as a baby and they sent home a little boy. As much as I enjoy them growing up and learning new concepts, laughing at new jokes, understanding so much of the world around them; it is a glaring reminder that they are growing up and my little baby is gone. When I sent him to preschool last year he seemed so small. His book bag was tiny and he was shy and nervous to start. I was nervous as well. This year he is riding the bus to school and has homework. He brings lunch money and ties his shoes.

Last night he told Larry and I that he didn't feel smarter now that he was six. When he turned five he learned that 200+200=400 and he didn't learn anything on his birthday so he wasn't smarter. It cracks me up that they associate their birthday as THE DAY that they grow taller and become older.

Over all I think this picture sums up what Andrew thinks of his birthday and being six.

Rewind

I was looking through pictures and wanted to write about some days that have passed by.



This is from the 4Th of July parade. The kids and I spent the whole week before making these snazzy hats to wear to the parade. Low and behold, Casey's kids forgot theirs and mine didn't want to wear them anymore. Logan was the only one who enjoyed our hard work.




Stephanie was so cute walking in the parade. Nick didn't want to be in it this year and opted to sit on the sidelines and watch. I think he just wanted to collect candy.















Larry and I bought this pool for Logan and this is the one and only time he used it outside. The hose wouldn't reach so I had to spray the pool from afar and hope some water made it into the pool. There were a million bees and wasps swarming around, the grass was incredible long and it was HOT. He spent a few minutes playing and then it officially became an inside pool.



















These are just cute pictures taken in the front room.

Backspace

Yesterday I started writing a post and went off on a tangent, I couldn't believe the feelings that came pouring out as I was typing. I tried not to think to much about how it sounded or if it was complete sentences and just wrote. I ran out of time, I was sitting here writing and I let the kids sleep for much longer than I should have, when I heard Logan waking up I paused my post and didn't submit it. I really had every intent to go back on and finish it but this morning I am grateful to the backspace button. In hindsight, nothing I wrote needed to be said out loud and it was therapeutic just releasing the thoughts. I have always heard that keeping a journal was beneficial but didn't realize that it would affect me.


In Logan news, the Dr suggested starting Logan in a program called First Steps, for speech therapy. I was a little surprised because he is only 15 months but on the other hand, both Andrew and Josh are taking speech so why not Logan as well. I mean, obviously we need help in the language development category. At least my mom thinks so. We decided to hold off for now and see if it improves by his 18 month check up.

I forgot...

I am now up to 20 minutes in the morning. I am feeling proud and determined. This is the most I have ever committed to myself and it would be such a waste of time to give up now. Just keep going...just keep going! That's my new motto in life. lol